See those fireworks? Those are to celebrate your departure!!!
So, not that I can do justice to the “Bachelor” recap, compared to what Kelly Ripa does each Tuesday morning… but let’s take a look at some of the highlights from last night’s show, shall we?
We’re down to nine Bachelorettes, which will be whittled down to six by the end of the evening. So you know what that means! Yep… dates, dates, and more dates! This time around, there will be one group date, one one-on-one date, and one two-on-one date. Hmmm… how very non-symmetrical.
The ladies are told they must all sing a little opera in order to win the opportunity to go on the one-on-one date with our eligible prince. The ladies look uncomfortable… they don’t want to sing. The viewing audience is uncomfortable… we don’t want to hear them sing. We all turn our TV’s to the “Closed Captioned” option for the next few minutes.
With varying degrees of failure, the girls all stumble through the little operetta that they’ve been given. No one can sing it, but some still sell it pretty well. Erica, wearing that damn tiara that must be permanently tangled up in her nasty-hair by now, performs as if she thinks she’s really nailing it. She isn’t. She’s awful. She’s irritating.
At the end of it all, it is decided that Jami has actually done the best job, and she wins the date with Lorenzo. She gets to join him for an actual opera performance, by people that actually know what they’re doing. She is very excited. Gina scowls. Erica pouts.
Lorenzo picks Jami up. She’s in a beautiful red gown, and Lorenzo comments on how stunning she looks. Then he pulls out a jewelry box, and tells her that he as a 2 MILLION dollar diamond necklace with matching earrings that she can wear for the evening. It’s a flashback to “Pretty Woman”, and all that is missing is for him to snap the jewelry box at her fingers when she reaches in to touch the pretty sparkly things.
They are off, all pretty and prepped for the opera. Erica sits back and sneers, and tells us all once again how incompatible Jami and Lorenzo are, and how it’s awful that Jami has to wear those long gloves in order to hide her tattoos. She predicts that Jami will not get a rose while on her date, and will be going home tonight. We predict that Erica will grow up to be a lonely bitter woman.
Lorenzo and Jami chat as they drive to the opera. The conversation is light and easy. They arrive at the opera house, and have it all to themselves… with a cozy velvet loveseat waiting for them, along with some chilling champagne. (natch) Lorenzo convinces Jami to give an encore performance of her date-winning opera singing. She’s a sport, and gets up on stage and gives it a go. It’s truly awful, but she’s having fun with it, and he seems to enjoy seeing her having fun. She gives a little bow and returns to her seat. They chat some more about family… and then the real entertainment arrives as they get a short private show by Vittorio. Man, this guy makes me love opera. Lorenzo and Jami get up and dance… but in a voiceover Lorenzo tells us that even though the environment is very romantic, he doesn’t think the physical chemistry is there.
It’s Rose time, and Lorenzo breaks the hard news that he doesn’t feel more for Jami than just the “friend” level… and therefore he can’t give her a rose. She is shocked and devastated. Pretty sparkly jewelry goes back in the box, Jami’s car arrives, and she’s off and on her way back home.
Damn. I don’t know if I’m more disappointed that Jami is out, or that Erica was right.
Ahhh well… another day, another date. The next morning it is time for the group date, and Desiree, Jeanette, Jennifer, Lisa, Sadie, and Gina will be joining Lorenzo for a day of wine tasting in Tuscany.
They all crawl on a short bus, and take a field trip to the wine country. They arrive at Costello di Velona… and soon the bottles are uncorked and the wine is flowing. Jeanette is the first to make her move, and she drags Lorenzo away for some alone time. She feels that her shyness may be giving him the wrong impression that she isn’t interested, and she wants to put a stop to that misconception right away. She explains that she’s not the sort to throw herself out there to compete for attention, but that she does think that Lorenzo is a very special person and has enjoyed getting to know more and more about him. Lorenzo seems charmed, and they chat some more while strolling through the vineyards.
Meanwhile, the rest of his “dates” are getting restless. Lisa asks the other girls if they think that Lorenzo feels this date is romantic. They all nod their head yes, and add into evidence the wine, the sky, the Tuscan sun… etc., etc. Lisa snobbily says that she doesn’t understand how Lorenzo could consider a group date like this romantic… and that the one-on-one date she had with him was MUCH more romantic. Desiree literally bites her tongue to avoid a catfight with her. Lisa is clearly feeling very smug about the first rose, the diamond earrings, the first alone date… yada, yada. And she is happy to throw all of that out in the faces of the other girls. Uh, Lisa… you still have to live with these girls. Unless you want to find your bra in the freezer, you might want to shut your yap.
Back at the Bachelorette house, the only two girls still at home after Jami’s early departure is Erica and Agnese. They receive a date box, with clues to what their two-on-one date the next evening will entail. Erica, ever the condescending twit, reads the contents of the note to Agnese as if she is reading a Dr. Suess book to a three-year-old.
“One Rose… One Stays, One Goes”
Erica points to the words as she reads them, pronouncing them very slowly and emphatically. Agnese look at her like she is a madwoman. Then she grabs the note from Erica and says, “The rose is mine.” Yeah, Erica… I think she understands.
Back in Tuscany, night has fallen, and all the ladies have dressed up a bit and are waiting for Lorenzo by the pool. Champagne is flowing once again. It’s time for Sadie to steal some one-on-one time, so she and Prince Charming stroll off for a chat. After settling on some lounge chairs, Sadie tells him that she needs to explain something to him… that she takes relationships seriously, and as a result she is actually saving herself for marriage. Lorenzo is actually very cool about it. He comments how such a decision demonstrates her values, and that he thinks it’s amazing that she’s obviously waiting for the right person. Nicely done by both! Sadie broke the news in a very straight-forward, non-drama way (and before anyone else could do it for her), and Lorenzo reacted in a very respectful and non-flustered way. Will it really matter? We can’t know… but at least it’s out there now.
Sadie and Lorenzo return to the pool, and then Lorenzo steals tree-hugging Lisa away for a little alone time. He must really like this girl, because he reiterates how much he enjoyed their first date, and then asks Lisa if he can kiss her. This is the first time our Bachelor has actually initiated such a thing. Lisa of course says he can kiss her, and they share a couple smooches. Then we hear Lisa telling us how she felt really good after the kiss. AGAIN she brings up her “timeline” and her “plan” and lets us know that everything seems to be on schedule. Strangely, she doesn’t actually mention if she likes Lorenzo… she’s just happy that he seems to be timely.
Back at the Bachelorette villa, Erica is still treating Agnese like a dim three-year-old. She tells us that out of the whole house, she can communicate with Agnese the best, because she speaks English very s-l-o-w-ly, and with an Italian accent. (WTF??) She demonstrates this amazing talent by telling Agnese “Me tired. I go to sleep now.” Wow, Erica… you just never cease to amaze me. Your talents are endless. Truly.
Things are a bit livelier back in Tuscany. All the girls have stripped down to their bikinis, and have jumped in the pool. Lorenzo is no dummy, and he’s jumped in to join them. The wine and champagne continue to flow, and the party eventually continues upstairs where they all decide to play Truth or Dare. (Drunken pajama-party Truth or Dare on national TV… you’ve got to love that!)
Desiree is first up and goes straight for the dare. She has to eat a grape out of Lorenzo’s mouth. She hesitates – not at all – and happily climbs all over him to comply. Jen takes a dare, and has to take a body shot off of Lorenzo’s stomach. Lorenzo is truly loving this game. Lorenzo takes truth, and Sadie asks him how many of the bachelorettes he has kissed. He diplomatically tells them that he has kissed everyone, albeit in some cases only on the cheek. The girls feel cheated, but are secretly impressed by his honest and yet non-controversial answer. Lisa feels especially special, because she figures he is answering in such a roundabout manner because he is trying to protect her honor. Yeah, what she doesn’t know is he and Agnese already did heavy smooching a couple days back… so the only one he is trying to protect is himself.
The next morning, Lorenzo takes Jen by the hand and leads her outside so that they can have some time to talk. He asks her about her teaching, and she gets a little teary thinking of her students, which charms Lorenzo. They have a brief, but sweet conversation, and Lorenzo then gives her a kiss right before they go back and join the other girls.
It’s Rose time, and the Tuscany ladies are all anxious to find out which lucky lady will receive it, since it’s been hanging over them since last evening. Lorenzo gives it to Jeanette, because he enjoyed their honest conversation in the vineyards. As girls do, all of the other ladies immediately begin questioning what they did wrong to not receive the rose. Sadie wonders if she did a bad thing by being so honest with him so early. Lisa doesn’t understand why he didn’t select her, since she was his first kiss (correction: since she thinks she was his first kiss). Ladies, ladies! Please stop beating yourselves up! There were 6 ladies, and 1 rose… by definition, five of you were not going to get a rose. It’s math, that’s all! You didn’t do anything wrong. Sheesh.
That evening, it’s time for the last of the dates… the anticipated two-on-one pairing of Erica and Agnese. What was originally going to be a night on the town, has been changed to be a night lounging around at home at Lorenzo’s quarters. He instructs the girls to go find something comfy in his closet to change into. They grab boxers and t-shirts, and then sit on his bed and enjoy pizza and wine. Erica notices the rose sitting over on the side of the room, and mentions to everyone that she notices the rose sitting over on the side of the room. Lorenzo gives out a small sigh, and then realizes it’s time to get to work. Time to go spend some one-on-one time with Erica.
They go out to the courtyard, and sit down to talk. Lorenzo asks Erica if she thinks that she has a stronger connection with him than the other girls. Erica begins her sales pitch. She tells them that all the lovely wonderful things that they’ve been doing while in Rome don’t mean anything to her, because she – coming from a privileged background – can do all of this fancy stuff any day. She’s been to Rome, she’s been in helicopters, she eats fancy food and wears fancy clothes… she is so wonderful, and so special, and so great… that she’s had all of this stuff handed to her during her entire life. Lorenzo stares at her, clearly wishing he was somewhere else, wondering what her point is. What is her point? Oh, here it is! Unlike the other girls that may be here just to be wined and dined… she is here for HIM. Lorenzo says nothing. He stares at her like she’s an alien, until she finally stops talking and asks if there is anything else he wants to know about her. Uhhhhh… no, there is nothing else he wants to know. If fact, he is quite sure he has all the information he needs to make a decision about Erica.
Afterwards, Erica tells us how great it went. She explains that Lorenzo is royalty, and he’s not a commoner (you know, like you and me). And that he needs HER to do the job. What? Is this a job interview now? Did I doze off, and wake up during The Apprentice? Whatever… she then starts going down the list of all her competition. She says that girls like Jen are a dime a dozen, that Sadie is noteworthy only because she is a virgin and that is a bit rare, that Lisa is a step up from that (maybe because she is so snobby, and Erica admires that?), and that then she, Erica, is a hundred steps up from that… uh, because I guess she was born to that well-known royal family in Texas? Who knows. Anyway, there is still no mention that she actually LIKES Lorenzo, just that he has the pedigree that she is looking for. Ah well… details, details.
So now it is time for Lorenzo to spend some time with Agnese. He admits that he likes her, but that the language barrier is an issue. But they sit down together on the same couch in the courtyard, and do their best to communicate. Agnese explains that he isn’t really seeing her for who she is, because usually she is one that likes to talk and share what she thinks… and that obviously that has been hard since she doesn’t speak English very well. But the very fact that she could communicate THAT, demonstrates that she can speak English well enough to get her thoughts across. In the meantime, Erica is spying on them from the balcony of the bedroom that looks down on the courtyard. At first she lies low, trying not to be seen. But then her need to have all the attention all of the time gets the better of her, and she springs up and hangs over the railing waving to them both and yelling, “Hi guys!” Agnese tries to wave her away and not-so-jokingly says, “See you later.” Lorenzo mumbles something about being right up, although he was obviously not done with his conversation with Agnese.
Well, our Bachelor Prince has at least had enough time to make a decision. He waffles back and forth, saying nice things about both girls, but then tells Erica that he feels that she would change to become whatever he wants instead of saying true to herself. She immediately interrupts him, and tells him that isn’t true. He says, well, that’s his impression… and so he gives the rose to Agnese.
Erica gets quiet while Agnese accepts the rose and gives Lorenzo a kiss. Then Lorenzo offers to walk her out. As they make their way out to the car, Erica starts getting more and more irate. She starts blaming Lorenzo for judging her about the one thing she said on the other group date (that SHE judges people, and feels it is okay to do so). Lorenzo then counters that tonight she was completely different, and she acted differently to better fit in with what she thought he would like. Now she starts getting hysterical… once again yammering on about how because she comes from a certain background, people have judged her during her entire life. And IT’S NOT FAIR….!!! And surely he should understand because he’s from the same background, blah, blah, (sob) blah. Lorenzo just gets more determined to march her to the car, now certain that he has made absolutely the right decision because this girl is an unstable frootloop. He helps her into the car and shuts the door. She then proceeds to roll down the window and continue the conversation by telling him how he wasn’t fair, and didn’t come into the evening with an open mind. He tries to say a word to defend himself, and she says, “NO! You didn’t give me a second chance!” Lorenzo at this point is just trying to extract himself from the whole conversation, and blandly thanks her for coming while slowly backing away from the car. Erica shoots out a final, “Sorry, but you just made a really bad mistake!” Lorenzo’s rolling eyes as he turns away indicates he doesn’t agree.
We then get sobbing Erica, telling the camera in the back of the limo that once again she has been judged because she is pretty and smart and from a privileged background… and (say it with me now) IT’S NOT FAIR…!!!! When she’s settled down a little bit, we get to hear Erica’s take on the whole thing:
“It’s a disgusting little gross fairy tale. The poor girl meets the rich guy, and they fall in love and then live happily ever after. I am SO bored of that story.”
In the meantime, the luggage guy has come to pick up Erica’s things which has tipped the other girls off to what Lorenzo’s decision was. They celebrate that fact that the drama queen is gone.
And Lorenzo? He is back on the balcony with Agnese, enjoying a fresh glass of champagne, and a lot of smooching as a private fireworks show goes off above them. Very, very nice.
Now it’s the next evening, and time for the rose ceremony for the rest of the girls. Agnese and Jeanette are safe, having already received their roses in the days before. Jennifer, Sadie, Gina, Desiree, and Lisa all stand waiting to see which of them will be going home… because there are only four roses for five ladies.
Lorenzo comes in, “Thank you all, you’re all incredible, this is the hardest thing ever… blah, blah, blah.” The first rose goes to, “cute little Sadie.” The second goes to, tree-hugging Lisa.
Gina is biting her lip.
The third rose goes to, Jen. There is only one rose left.
Gina is eating her bottom lip. Desiree is being very Zen.
The final rose goes to… Desiree!
She lets out a big sigh of relief, clutches her chest, and stumbles up to Lorenzo saying, “I never knew a rose would mean so much, baby!”
Meanwhile, Gina is collapsing into a sad puddle of goo. But she does have on the prettiest dress of the bunch, I’ll give her that. So she is a beautiful, flowy, being-sent-home-without-a-rose, scowling, lip chewing, ex-bachelorette. Sorry Gina. But wear that gown while out and about back in the states, and they’ll be lots of men coming your way, trust me.
 
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JENNIFER: 
SADIE: 
LISA: 
AGNESE: 
DESIREE: 
JEANETTE: 
ERICA: 
GINA: 
JAMI: 
ELLEN: 
KIM: 
SARAH: 
ANDREA: 
APRIL: 
BRIT: 
CARISSA: 
CLAUDIA: 
ELYSE: 
HEATHER: 
JESSICA: 
LAURA: 
MERI: 
RENEE: 
RITA: 
ROSELLA: 
TARA: 
